Anxiety: Part II

Anxiety: Part I

I stand there, the broad, open horizon surrounding me. Nothing there, I stare into it. Then, in the distance a mass takes shape. It grows and grows, coming closer and closer. It towers above me as it rushes towards me. A black ominous wave that has also become it's own overbearing cloud. A wall of darkness and trouble and toil. Whimpering, frightened and unsure I curl up and try to brace myself against the oncoming mass. I whimper and cling to nothing. Knowing full well my strength will fail; that here all alone, my best is not good enough. I know, and it shakes me to my core. That in spite of anything I might try, I am holding on to nothing, and I am about to get swept away into that darkness. My fear sinks into my stomach, settles and then begins to spread. It is only moments away now and all I can do is stare at it: hopeless.

Thankful

Movie quotes only Margy gets, group hugs with David, rainy days and Gershwin, skype videochat, Steinway pianos, phenolphthalein titrations, vibrant fall days, UMBC, UMBC nerds, UMBC non-nerds, the cohort, parental units, exedrin, GCC, homemade meals, Atonement, imagination, grace, sugar, sanctification, art, the Bible, The Race of Joseph, The Master Artist, Good things, the wind, walking, talking, words, jazzy-smaltzy music, Beckly, Mike-the-Bike, Fred, Gnome, My Papoose, J.A.K.2, Rob, Frank, 1355, Watson, literature, jumping in puddles, spinning in fields, running down hallways, cozy evenings, sleeping in, invisible carbons with their hydrogen friends, the Krazy Kellys, the fingerprints of God…
For these things, I am thankful.

A Slap in the Face

Sometimes I doubt God's love for me. I wouldn't say it in so many words, but nonetheless, I doubt that day that He loves me. This is because I am basing His acceptance, His good pleasure on my performance. Today I did not live it out the way I thought I should, so God is not pleased with me, I am out of favor. In short, God does not love me. But then He turns to me and says:
"I poured out ALL my wrath onto my one and only Son. I crushed the One with whom I had perfect fellowship. I gave you His blood. And yet you doubt? What more can I do? What more would you demand of me? What more can you ask?"
God has given me all I ever will need, in the person of His Son, and I turn around and slap Him in the face.

Fall

I've thought about this for a while now, and I still can't figure out how to put it into words. It's such a complexity of things. It means so much to me. All the sensations, the tingling air, the smell of dead leaves, the colors brighter yet still subtle, the softer sun, I love fall. No, it is more than that. Fall does something to me, it has power over me. I walk around outside and I just soak it in. The leaves rustle beneath my feet, oh so many colors. Brighter than I remembered from last year, yet not gaudy, rather…sophisticated. The air is so…fresh. It tingles, it makes me feel alive. Humidity of summer is oppressive, but this cool touch of a fall breeze lightly brushes my skin into sensation. Just stand there. Close your eyes, breath it in, stop and wait for the smell of the leaves. That dry, rough, old yet fresh smell. Feel your face as it meets the breeze, every bit of it alive, tingling and new. Look around and see the colors. Trees decked out in so many colors. Even among the browns there are red browns and light browns and just plain old brown (which isn't plain or old at all). And then, there is so much nostalgia wrapped up in these sensations. There are the vivid memories of homeschooling in the fall. Driving up to Lancaster and seeing pumpkin fields freckled with orange. Writing poems, it was during fall that I wrote all my high school poems. Walking around the block. Playing outside in the cold with friends and siblings. Building leaf nests and hibernating in them. Oh the industry of busy little people piling leaves without a rake. It took a lot of work. Coming in from the cold to a warm, well lit house with homemade dinner waiting. Then there is always the faint promise of the season to come. The holiday season, with it's many joys of family and carols and planning and oh…the wonders! How can I capture this? I can't…I can merely stand back and marvel. Because…

This is fall...

And this is fall....

And this is fall...

And I just want to soak it up.

Thoughts from a Chemistry Student

I don't know why I am a chemistry major. Eh, I know why. Well no, I don't. I'm slowly figuring it out. I mean, I would never have said I have a passion for chemistry. I like it, sure. I find it fascinating, sure. I'm passionate about it? Eh…. But I might be slowly reconvincing myself.
Or am I just trying to find a label? I like labels. I think I like the idea of having my character all defined out. I like feeling special. So knowing I'm a 'nerd' and not 'just another person' makes me feel good. Do I play into this? Do I act the nerd? I'm an actress…I could do it. I know it. But I think I genuinely am excited, I just…Am slowly figuring this out. Because I guess I thought being excited about this stuff was normal? But apparently not everybody else looks forward to Dr. Perks' lab lectures. Hmm…weird.

I've slowly been picking up more and more signs of developing nerdhood. I keep having 'nerd moments'. Like recognizing the letters Kb on somebody's socks as the base dissociation constant. Or thinking about the awesomeness of hydrogen bonding in water as I gulp it down.

Getting random unknowns and having something in the experiment that shouldn’t be there, but figuring out a hypothesis for what my contaminant is= amazing real science moment. As opposed to fake science moments.

Putting on gloves in Orgo lab makes me feel special, cool and professional--like a real chemist.

I carry a pocket periodic table. yup.

I got super frustrated with learning Spanish at 1am and then become focused and relaxed while working on an Analytical Chem Data sheet at 2am.

I'm convinced that Analytical Chemistry Lab is meant to breed OCD chemists. But I'm okay with being an OCD chemist.

I have purple speckles because I got silver nitrate on my hands. Not really good, but still kinda cool (?) in it's own weird way. I mean…I was dealing with stuff that can stain me!…whoa….

So why chemistry. I don't know? Because it's visual? Interesting? The complex basics of the universe The tiny bits that explain the whole? Because it's understandable? A giant puzzle? People give me the pieces and the plan and I get to slowly discover how it fits together. Chemistry explains everything! (except why I'm not asleep at 2:00am. That it doesn't explain. Oh wait…caffeine…never mind) .

I feel like a failure

I feel like a failure. I'm barely keeping up with the required work in school, not to mention the extra, foundational studying. Some of this is true because I am taking nineteen wicked credits, some of it is because I do not manage my time wisely. I feel like a failure for this. A guilty failure.
I feel like a failure because I am not reading my bible. I am not pursuing God with all that is in me. He is not uppermost in my thoughts. I know that everybody says this, even those who seem to have it together. But I don't even seem to have it together. I truly am failing.
I feel like a failure for other things as well. Things I messed up with, where I misspent time or was unwise. Things I can not fix, only deal with the consequences as they come.
I sat here and finally nailed down everything welling within me into one little phrase: "I feel like a failure." And I turned to God and asked, "Lord where can my priorities be if these things are causing me to feel like a failure? I am looking to myself and my performance to fulfill me, instead of pursuing You and letting secondary life be merely a tool to give You glory." I think I need to get over feeling like a failure. Because feeling like a failure is just another way of pointing back to me. I need to turn instead to focus on the wonderful God who is the only thing right. Who has given me Success where it matters, who has given me Himself.
But sometimes, this is so hard.